Posted on October 21, 2011 by laughterforthesoul

Children should have fathers; I get that. The reality of my situation is that of a single parent, and I have embraced it for all it is worth. My oldest son, however, has not. Consistently, he has beckoned for me to take a look at a photo of a good-looking man, point out a possible candidate at a park, (forgetting that all men there are complete strangers,) and simply making suggestions for me to go out on a date. He has no idea that by Friday, the only date I want to have is with my pillow and DVR shows I have missed for the week.

Life often throws us curve balls, and some people end up in places where they never expected. I have taught for over twenty years, and while quite a number of my former students have done exceptionally well for themselves (some making twice my salary), others fell into unfortunate circumstances that have landed them behind bars for a while. I connected with one such student recently and was happy to know that he was alive and doing well. I expressed an interest in making a visit to see him one day to which a reply was sent a few weeks later. The letter remained opened on my kitchen counter, and I walked away, forgetting that its contents were exposed.

The letter included a lovely photo, but outlined specifics that the prison system would not allow. No wires on bras, no jeans, a recommendation of dollar bills and coins for the concession stands and visiting hours were specified. My eldest was in the kitchen making a snack while my nose remained buried in a stack of books I was studying. A few moments later, I heard a loud scream.

“MOM!” He hollered at the top of his lungs.

“WHAT!” I hollered back just as loudly.

“MOMMY!” His assumption was that I must not have heard him the first time since I did not come racing down the stairs to answer him.

“WHAT IS IT?” I screamed again, hoping that he would get a clue that I was not moving and he would want to make his way up the stairs to express his concern.

I heard footsteps bounding up the steps, and a very heated child stood at the foot of my bed, a letter hanging at the side of his body. He threw me a perplexed look and shoved the paper in my face.

“Uhh, mom!” I saw the paper clearly. “You’re getting our new dad from a PRISON?!?!”

It took everything in my being not to burst into laughter in front of my child. He was serious as a heart attack, and I feared he would have one if I went along with it and told him, “Yes.”

“Oh NO, baby!” I chuckled. “That is a student of mine from a long time ago!”

“You’re marrying your STUDENT?!?!?” He was done.

“NOOOO!!!” I replied. “He is in jail honey, and I am going to see him.”

“And why would you do that?” He asked.

“Because I want to check on him to see how he is doing.” Silence. More silence. Wait for it…

“Well,” he said. “Just don’t tell him where we live!”

He was innocent in his assumptions, but serious with his intent. He left the paper on my bed and walked away, still a bit exasperated.

If I decide to ever get married again, I am certain that it will be a grueling experience for my new mate. As long as he is not a cell mate, I think he will do well!

Laugh, people. It’s good for the soul!

Over the years, I’ve been honored to hang out with some of our country’s top business leaders. And that’s no accident. I’ve always believed that if you want to win at something, you’ve got to find some people who are already winning at it and learn everything you possibly can from them.

Out of all of the men and women I’ve met, there is one person whose words touched my heart and have stayed with me to this day. This incredibly successful billionaire didn’t quote any philosophy or fancy financial formulas when I asked for his secret to success. Instead, he just gave me one simple rule to live by: Be generous in business, at home and in the marketplace. Why? Because successful people are generous people, and generous people become the most successful people.

As the holiday season gets into full swing, remember his words. Don’t have the heart of a grinch. Celebrate Christmas wholeheartedly with your family, your team and your customers. Give what you can, when you can—as God leads you. And here’s an idea: Try doing that the rest of the year too. It’s a blast!

Three Wooden Crosses

I have the joy of living across the street from a beautiful man-made lake. There is always roving fowl and other wildlife in and around the lake and it’s an ideal location for an early morning walk. Often, I listen to music and often I am inspired by ideas along the way. On recently hearing the Randy Travis song, Three Wooden Crosses, I had to write a seasonal column based on its message.

The first time I heard Three Wooden Crosses was at a Randy Travis concert just a few short years ago. The lyrics captivated me and it’s become a favorite song of mine ever since. Country music often tells stories that have heartwarming messages. I’m a sap for that stuff and I love it. And, the holiday season just magnifies those emotions for most of us.

Let’s take a look at the first words of this song, which begin telling the story:

A farmer and a teacher, a hooker and a preacher,
Ridin’ on a midnight bus bound for Mexico.
One’s headed for vacation, one for higher education,
An’ two of them were searchin’ for lost souls.
That driver never ever saw the stop sign.
An’ eighteen-wheelers can’t stop on a dime.

In a few short lines, we are on high alert that a tragedy is coming. We’ve met the characters and we’re hooked. Who will die? Who will survive? What lesson will we be told?

There are three wooden crosses on the right side of the highway,
Why there’s not four of them, Heaven only knows.
I guess it’s not what you take when you leave this world behind you,
It’s what you leave behind you when you go.

Ah! One person survives. Who is it? We don’t know yet. But, the chorus has revealed the heart of this song’s message and the part that GOT me, “it’s not what you take when you leave this world behind you, it’s what you leave behind you when you go.”

Those of you that follow the A Dad’s Point-of-View Facebook Page know that every Sunday is #FaithSunday in which I ask the same question, “What are you doing to repair the world?” I then share a link to something that I hope is inspiring.

That expression about repairing the world comes from the biblical expression, “Tikkun Olam,” which literally means to repair the world and is expressed in the Bible as an obligation of our lives. When I began my second career as a writer, my first goal was to make a difference (in the lives of parents). So, this song and its message resonate very strongly with me.

No one on their deathbed wishes they’d worked more! No one on their deathbed wishes they’d had more possessions. No one on their deathbed wishes they’d had more fun. Mostly, we wish we’d spent more time with and touched our loved ones. And, mostly we hoped that our lives had some value and that the world was a better place for our having been here.

The song continues,

That farmer left a harvest, a home and eighty acres,
The faith an’ love for growin’ things in his young son’s heart.
An’ that teacher left her wisdom in the minds of lots of children:
Did her best to give ‘em all a better start.
An’ that preacher whispered: “Can’t you see the Promised Land?”
As he laid his bloodstained bible in that hooker’s hand.

Again, the song reels us in and we think that the hooker has died holding the preacher’s Bible. But, like every good country song, there’s a surprise a-comin’.

That’s the story that our preacher told last Sunday.
As he held that bloodstained bible up,
For all of us to see.
He said: “Bless the farmer, and the teacher, an’ the preacher”
“Who gave this Bible to my mamma,
“Who read it to me.”

The first time that I heard this last part of the song, I was completely suckered in. I loved it. I had to immediately get the song and hear the story again. Again, that last line of the chorus struck me to the core:

I guess it’s not what you take when you leave this world behind you;
It’s what you leave behind you when you go.

As we head into the mania of the holiday season, I ask you to reflect a little less on the shopping and cheer, and a bit more on what your life purpose is. What impact do you want to leave the world? Is that promotion more important than attending your kid’s soccer games? If you miss that business convention to attend your daughter’s recital, will you miss anything of lasting importance? Have you helped someone in need or bought the newest iPhone?

What are you doing to Repair the World?

Bruce Sallan, author of “A Dad’s Point-of-View: We ARE Half the Equation” and radio host of “The Bruce Sallan Show – A Dad’s Point-of-View” gave up a long-term showbiz career to become a stay-at-home-dad. He has dedicated his new career to becoming THE Dad advocate. He carries his mission with not only his book and radio show, but also his column “A Dad’s Point-of-View”, syndicated in over 100 newspapers and websites worldwide, and his dedication to his community on Facebook and Twitter. Join Bruce and his community each Thursday for #DadChat, from 6pm -7pm PST, the Tweet Chat that Bruce hosts.

It’s busy this time of the year. With over 200 families being served through our Adopt-a-Family program, we see a lot of people come and go at our office.

I love this week at SMO. After weeks of application handling, calling, filing, data entry and pairing adopters with families, this is the week we see the fruit of our labor. This week our adopters drop off their gifts. It is a wonderful experience and we often see miracles. Like today.

Jennifer Kennedy, our Programs and Services Director, came into my office to ask who we could call to see about obtaining two bikes for a six and eight year old.  Their father left the family last year, their house was foreclosed this year and their mom recently lost her job because she took time off to care for her extremely ill father (who passed away). Needless to say, it has been a very tough year for this family. Unfortunately, the family was on a waiting list (as of this writing, there were twelve families who had not been adopted. If you would like to adopt one of our families please call Jennifer at 661.200.0742.) SMO was able to pull together some toys for the children and a gift card for mom. When we called to tell her we had some gifts for her, she cried. Jennifer wanted to do more by finding bikes for the children because they were on their wish list.

Enter Trish Grinnell, President of the Rotary Club of Santa Clarita. The Rotary had adopted a family with ten children and she and a fellow Rotarian stopped by to drop off their gifts. After depositing them in our office, she casually remarked that they also had a couple of bikes to give to a family who would like them. Jennifer, barely able to contain her excitement asked, “for what age children?”, to which Trish replied, “there’s one for a six year old and one for an eight year old.”

We all rejoiced – every one of us in the office rejoiced.

What Trish and her colleague didn’t know, is that several of the parents helping in our office today are unemployed. One parent was fired from her job last week and is struggling emotionally. Her case manager prescribed that she help in the office this week – she needs to be with people, with our community. And she needs to see kindness because she has not seen that in a while. When you are unemployed, you need to see miracles and you need to see kindness. It restores hope. Every one of those parents’ spirits were lifted today.

Today we tasted from the cup of kindness and it tasted wonderful.

Jennifer decided not to tell our mom about the bikes: she wants to surprise her. This grieving mother needs to experience a miracle too. We can’t wait!

I had a conversation with one of our regular volunteers (and a SMO Champion) who remarked that until she began working with our families, she had no idea how many Santa Clarita residents were struggling. “I thought there weren’t any poor living here – I thought this was a rich community.”

We get that a lot.

We presently have over 300 active families in our program and almost two-thirds have requested help for the holidays because there just isn’t enough for the basics, let alone gifts. Many are embarrassed to ask for help. One of our parents wrote: “This will be the third time we’ve been a part of the Adopt-a-Family program over the past 10 years and it doesn’t get any easier for me being on the receiving end. I say that, because it is very definitely difficult to swallow my pride and accept the goodness and generosity of my community.” But what a loving parent won’t do to bring a little joy and good cheer into her children’s lives. They swallow pride and mail the application.

Now for the GOOD News.

Every one of our families will be adopted this year, even the ones who didn’t qualify and were put on a wait list. At this moment (we usually help families up to the last day) that means 660 parents and children will have gifts under the tree this year. Many will receive at least two gifts, so you can imagine the sheer volume!

So we are throwing a party.

On December 17 from 9-12 at the Santa Clarita United Methodist Church, carolers will sing (courtesy of Valencia United Methodist Church), Santa will delight, and plenty of  elves (thanks to Valencia Hills Community Church) will help us distribute a ton of gifts. We’ve invited our adopters and our parents are baking cookies to share to thank them.

We all win. We all partake from the cup overflowing with joy and the knowledge that this is humanity at its best.

This is what the season is all about.

*Parents qualify by being in school, attending SMO sponsored workshops, volunteering 6 hours in the previous 6 months. They are given first priority. Despite knowing they didn’t qualify, we received over 50 additional applications, underscoring their need/desire to be adopted.

Breaking Barriers art exhibit at the Westfield Valencia Town Center Mall

But when I pulled into my friend’s apartment complex that evening, I was in high spirits and full of excitement for what new adventures were to come my way.

Fast forward 17 years and I found myself as a single mother, divorced and all alone. Things did not turn out quite how I imagined they would. Sure, there were years filled with carefree fun, living the single life with very little responsibilities. But as the famous goes, life has a way of sneaking up on you when you’re busy making plans.

With my family so far away, I’ve struggled with finding the balance of caring for my little one on my own. To be fair, I am very lucky to have my ex-husband’s family so close. Their love and support for Tucker has eased my burden and sharing custody 50-50 has been a blessing that I hadn’t counted on. Initially, I was appalled that I would have to spend even one minute away from my child. And at the beginning of my divorce, I cried each and every time I had to hand over my son to his father.

But time has taught me the value of helping hands, in whatever form they take. Would I rather call my own parents or sister when I need a babysitter? Of course. Am I lucky to be able to call Tucker’s other grandparents when I’m in need? Of course.

I have missed my family since the very day I arrived in Santa Clarita. But never more so than when I became a single mom. I treasure the visits they make to come out to see me and the trips I get to take once or twice a year to go back home to be with them. I have a very close family and even though we live far apart, they are never far away in my heart or in spirit. Their support has reached across two states and has lifted me up when I’ve been down. Their voices on the phone have given me strength when I’ve faltered and stumbled along the way.

But I miss them. Oh how I miss them. And it makes me sad that Tucker is missing out on getting to know them as I do. So I’ve brought them to life inside my home. Talking about each of them and giving a name to every uncle, aunt and cousin. I tell him stories about my family and keep him in the loop of the goings on in their lives. My parents have visited us enough that Tucker does know them and loves them for who they are. And for that I am very grateful.

I wish more than anything that my family were close by. But they aren’t and that’s just the way it is. So instead of feeling sorry for myself, I let the love of my parents and siblings fill my home from across the miles. And I remember to be grateful for Tucker’s father’s family who are supportive and kind.

Sometimes you’ve just got to take what you can get. The trick is to remember to be thankful for what you do have. Perhaps not your ideal situation, but most certainly better than nothing at all.